Afternoon briefing, May 5

Newsflash: Labour are haemorrhaging support, there’s no point in UKIP and the Tories are cleaning up. Everyone’s surprised, apparently.

In fairness, these really are seismic local election results and its all looking rather strong and stable for Theresa May.

Former UKIP backer Arron Banks has provided a typically choice take on today’s election results. Talking about the party’s dismal showing, he said: “The current leadership has crashed the car, at the first bend of the race, into the crowd, killing the driver and spectators”, which also rather sums up Labour’s day. John McDonnell’s been whining about the media and celebrating because “it wasn’t a wipe out”, as the party falls off a cliff. Oh, and Diane Abbott made a maths gaffe.

There was better news for Andy Burnham, who is the new Mayor of Manchester, but the party have lost around 40% of their seats and managed to grab humiliation from the jaws of easy wins in Glasgow and Tees Valley. Likewise, there’s been a political earthquake in Derbyshire, where the Tories took a stunning majority.

Meanwhile, the Tories have cleaned up across the nation and are now trying (and failing) to hide their glee whilst briefing the media that a Jeremy Corbyn premiership is still a possibility. No giggling at the back.

Labour losses? It’s the mainstream media, duh!

John McDonnell enjoys a good joke as much as the next person, but today he decided to take it to new levels. It’s all the mainstream media that’s to blame for humiliating defeats for the Labour party – that’s what he decided to tell Sky News anyway.

Numbers? What are they?

To keep the laugh a minute Labour LOLs up, the shadow home secretary decided to join in on the action and forget what numbers are. Again.

Unfortunately for Mrs Abbott, Labour’s losses where a multiple of what she originally claimed.

Straw poll beats poll polls

Not every Tory has had a good day, though. Daniel Carr was denied a seat after he and his Lib Dem rival drew straws to settle the race, after several re-counts.

Along with Mr Carr not winning a seat, the Tories were denied control of Northumberland Council. If only the Labour party ever got that lucky.

In South Yorkshire

One of the more eye-opening results happened in Chesterfield, where the Tories won a stunning victory to prove the likes of Laura Kuennsberg wrong. More details here.

We have live updates from Doncaster Metropolitan Borough Council, following Ros Jones’ win in the town last night.

An exclusive JUS News investigation shows that hate crime has trebled in South Yorkshire since 2014.

Mass resignations have hit UKIP in Rotherham. Joe Gerrard has more…

And finally, for some quirkier reading, Harrison Jones has been catching up with Sheffield’s honorary consular to Finland.

Have a lovely weekend, Tory Britain.